And the Lord’s servant must not be quarrelsome but must be kind to everyone, able to teach, not resentful.
In this post on his blog canon fodder, Dr. Michael J. Kruger, reflects on five characteristics of Ted Lasso’s leadership style. Ted Lasso is the main, fictional character in an AppleTV show called Ted Lasso. It was a helpful and insightful post and I thought that each of the five leadership characteristics that Dr. Kruger reflects on are so vitally important to any form of leadership that they were worth exploring in more detail, especially as they pertain to our roles as husbands and fathers.
So, in this post, I wanted to focus on the first characteristic: Kindness.
In his post, Dr. Kruger rightly observes that most people expect their leaders to be egotistical bullies in order to coerce others into doing what they want. Too often, as a husband and father, I resort to demanding what I want from my family rather than responding with kindness. I use my irritation with something small as a justification for the way I act. If my kids aren’t doing their chores when I ask them to, I may feel like my authority is not being respected and respond with anger. If my wife is interrupting me at work, I may feel like she doesn’t care about my responsibilities and respond with irritation.
Putting kindness at the forefront of our minds can be a powerful way to change the way we approach everyday life. Being kind is an active choice that we can make when interacting with others. A kind heart seeks to put others’ needs above their own. Kindness demands that we humble ourselves and take the time to invest in someone else. Taking the time to let someone else know that you care or to listen and truly hear them is a powerful witness for the Gospel.
To use the examples from earlier, if I were to set aside my need to feel like I’m performing well at my job or the need to feel like my kids respect my authority I could take advantage of an opportunity to show, more effectively, that I love and care for them. It would also show them that I care more about them and their needs than my own.
My prayer for myself and my brothers-in-Christ is to be able to set ourselves aside so that we can show kindness not only to those we love but also to those we don’t think deserve it.
]]>In the same way, you who are younger, submit yourselves to your elders. All of you, clothe yourselves with humility toward one another, because, “God opposes the proud but shows favor to the humble.”
I’ve recently had some difficult experiences, relationally, that I can only associate with a lack of humility. Through several discussions about an individual’s sin in the church, it was determined that the primary source of their struggle was pride. This individual was unwilling to take a humble posture and apologize for their actions. Through these discussions the statement was made by a friend that they agreed this person struggled with pride, but they didn’t believe that it was a sinful pride. That raised the question: “Is there a Biblical category for pride that is NOT rooted in sin?”
So, today, I’d like to explore this idea a little further. Is there a good way to be proud? Through several conversations with friends, especially over the past several months, this notion that there is a category of pride that is NOT sinful has cropped up several times. But, what do we do with all the many passages in the Bible that warn against pride? Is there really a way to be proud that is not sinful?
I think in many ways there has always been the underlying idea in our culture that some pride is good. For example, taking pride in your work or being proud of someone else’s accomplishments. These are examples of some of the ways that we think of pride in a positive light. But, is it really “right” to think of any pride in a positive light? Is it possible to take pride in your work with humility? Is it really sinful to be proud of someone’s accomplishments? Let’s discuss the former first.
Let me set up the question: “Is it wrong or sinful to take pride in your work?”
I think that when most people hear the idea of taking pride in your work they usually assume that this simply means to take it seriously and to do your best. If you are able to feel a sense of pride in your accomplishments then it is a gratifying experience to know that you did this thing to the best of your ability. But, at the heart of this is a sense of self-accomplishment and self-worth that I don’t think can be done in a humble fashion. Inwardly you are telling yourself “I did that.” and while this might seem harmless enough it is, in fact, the opposite of humility.
A truly humble heart would rather give thanks to the Lord for enabling them to accomplish a job well done. This, I think is what Paul means when he says Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord…
Colossians 3:23. We are to do all things as if we are doing them for the Lord, seeking only His approval and working out of a heart of humble gratitude. This posture better acknowledges that we, in ourselves, are not capable of doing anything on our own. Our gifts, talents, and very breath are all a gift from God.
Now for the second category: “Is it wrong or sinful to be “proud” of someone else?”
I think that this is an area where we redefine pride. We use it to convey that we are happy for someone in their accomplishments and feel privileged to be a part of or associated with their success in some way. Not that we take credit for their work or think they couldn’t have done it without us, but rather, that we are sharing in their joy. So in the end, I don’t think this is pride. This is love for another, which is never sinful. I would classify this as a turn of phrase that lacks accuracy. Much like saying “I love pizza” isn’t the same as saying “I love my wife”. It’s an inaccurate turn of phrase that can be unhelpful at times.
So, in the case of the individual who was struggling with sinful pride, people were being hurt by their actions and their pride was driving them to prefer themselves over others. Worse, as is always the case with pride, they had convinced themselves that their actions were not sinful, but everyone else just didn’t understand the reason for their actions. They had a good reason to behave the way they were and if everyone else would just understand that reason they would see that there is no “sinful” motivation behind their actions.
This, in part, was the argument I heard from a few others while discussing this individual’s actions. If they don’t see the wrong in their actions and their motivations and intentions are good, then are they sinning? Can they be held accountable for their actions if they truly believe they are doing the right thing? In other words, is their pride really sinful if they are convinced of the validity of their actions?
The problem here is that it goes against what God warns us about regarding the nature of our own hearts. Our own perception of what motivates our actions is irrelevant if it goes against God’s Word (see Jeremiah 17:9–10). If God says that something is sin, we cannot argue or claim that our motives nullify God’s definition of sin in some way. If we claim to love God, then we will humble ourselves before Him and evaluate our motives and actions based on His Word. As to the question of holding someone accountable, if someone unknowingly breaks the law, they can receive a warning. And if they continue, then they pay the penalty of the law.
However, if their actions cause harm to another, even if they did not know that their actions were illegal, they are still held accountable to the law and expected to pay the penalty. Why? Because whether it be through negligence or maliciousness, they have caused harm to their fellow citizen and justice demands that they make it right.
So, in the context of the church, we can lovingly encourage, exhort, and even rebuke someone in an attempt to point them to God’s Word. If they don’t believe their actions are sinful, then hopefully pointing out the effect that their actions are having on their fellow believers will be enough for them to re-evaluate and make a change. However, if they insist that those who are being hurt wouldn’t be hurt if they only understood, then the church has every reason to hold that person accountable and expect that they make it right and repent.
This is because understanding why you are being hurt by someone doesn’t make the hurt go away or magically transform their actions into something good. Some things are just simply abusive or hurtful and understanding the motivation behind them doesn’t change that. That’s like saying that if an assault victim only understood the reason for their attacker’s actions they would somehow no longer carry any wounds and the attacker’s actions would be justified. But, God says that it’s sinful to intentionally cause harm to another so it doesn’t matter if the victim is able to justify it in their own mind or what the attacker’s motives are. It is sin, therefore the attacker is accountable for that sin. Further, the wounds are still there and the victim has to deal with those wounds, even if they have been convinced that their attacker had a valid reason for inflicting the wounds in the first place.
In summary then, I would say that no, there is no such thing as pride that is not sinful. All pride, no matter how minor, is self-glorifying and self-indulgent. You cannot elevate yourself above others and still maintain humility. So, my prayer for myself and for my bothers and sisters in Christ is that we can all lay down our own self-interest at the feet of the cross and follow in Jesus’ footsteps—elevating others even if that makes us vulnerable or costs us everything.
]]>Do not let kindness and truth leave you; Bind them around your neck, Write them on the tablet of your heart. So you will find favor and a good reputation in the sight of God and man.
It’s been a crazy year around my home, which has resulted in less time to devote to things like writing for this blog. However, it isn’t a bad thing. God has been working faithfully in stretching and growing my family in ways that we haven’t been before. As a result, I can look back and see that we have all grown in new and more profound ways.
My wife and I now have new habits that strengthen and nurture our marriage such as reading each night before we tuck in for the night. Our kids are helping us raise pigs which introduces more opportunities for us to teach them ideas such as responsibility and diligence.
Last year I shared in this post that we should never stop counting our blessings. So, as another year passes and you get ready to go into the chaos of the holiday season, don’t forget to stop and look around at your life and count all the ways in which God has been faithful and let it be an example for how we are called to be faithful.
Happy Thanksgiving! May God bless and keep you through another season.
]]>Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her, so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless. So husbands also ought to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself; for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church, because we are parts of His body.
Many husbands that I know today seem to struggle with their marriages. And one of the most common reasons they do, if I had to put my finger on it, seems to be because they fail at giving themselves up for their wives.
Husbands, let yourselves go. I realize that many wives are also to blame for their part in marital troubles. However, that does not change the clear call of Scripture to men. We are to model Christ in our marriages. I admit this is an area I struggle in most of all but, that’s why I’m writing this; to encourage anyone reading this, including myself, to remember that when Christ looked down from the cross and saw us He didn’t see someone worth dying for. He saw us denying Him, rejecting Him, and rebelling against Him for our own desires. But, He stayed. He didn’t wait for us to get it together and start treating Him right. He stayed on the cross and gave Himself up for us.
So, husbands, let yourselves go. Stop waiting for your wives to treat you right and set aside your desires. Lift your marriage up to the Lord and begin finding ways to love your wives the way you love your own bodies, caring for them and nurturing them, making any sacrifice necessary to ensure that they don’t go hungry for the love that Christ has for them. Because He’s chosen you to be the vessel of His love and poured it out on you when you didn’t deserve it. That’s why John says We love, because He first loved us.
(1 John 4:19). Because Christ has shown love to you, even when you didn’t deserve it, you can show love to your wife, even when she hasn’t earned it and even when you don’t “feel” it.
The Lord God commanded the man, saying, “From any tree of the garden you may freely eat…”
It’s amazing to me that God did not hold back the gift of eternal life from Adam and Eve when He first put them in the garden. There were no prerequisites other than trusting Him to provide the definition of good and evil. In other words, to trust His guidance.
As a father I wonder sometimes how much good I withhold from my children until they have met my standards. But God, in His mercy has never held anything back, from the gift of eternal life with Him, to His only Son so that we might be reconciled to Him. He has always generously poured out every good blessing with no expectation of receiving anything in return. All He asks is that we trust Him. So we see that even in the garden it was by faith that God blessed His children.
So, how can I, as a father, bless my children without sacrificing the lessons of discipline and obedience? I think this is the way all fathers should think. How can we teach our children to trust in the Lord while not holding back anything good? I believe that this means trusting in God’s definition of good rather than my own. For example, it is good to teach kids to do things they don’t feel like doing. It is also good to spend time with them, even if they haven’t finished all of their chores or school work. God allows us to approach Him based on the righteousness of Christ not our own merit.
So, if you’re like me and you struggle to find time to spend with your kids because maybe they haven’t finished their homework or their chores, find a way to get involved in their homework or chores. Come alongside them and don’t hold back your affection or an opportunity to minister to them just because they haven’t earned it yet.
]]>But no one can enter the strong man’s house and plunder his property unless he first ties up the strong man, and then he will plunder his house.
The Internet has completely changed the types of things parents have to think about when attempting to educate and protect their children for life. When I was growing up, the Internet was still fairly new, and my parents had to begin learning how to teach and educate us kids on which types of websites we should avoid or avoid looking for.
This was primarily because the Internet was fairly new and while there were malicious or questionable sites out there, you pretty much had to go looking for them. That’s all changed in recent years. Not only have more sites been launched but, with the emergence of the advertising market, more and more inappropriate content is being pushed in front of us as we browse. This means that as parents today, we have our work cut out for us in both educating and mentoring our kids on the proper use of this powerful tool. Just as with any tool, you must use it properly or be hurt by it. The same applies to the Internet. The Internet is a tool that powerfully enables communication and research and even though there are some bad actors out there it is possible to use it correctly while avoiding “injury”.
Here are a few tips on setting up your computer to browse safely on the internet and make it a little easier for you to share this tool with your kids.
Set up a custom DNS (Domain Name System) server.
A DNS server provides your computer or device with the ability to connect to a website by entering its name. For example, when you open your browser and type “duckduckgo.com”, your computer connects to a DNS server and asks for the IP address of “duckduckgo.com”. The DNS server contains an index of IP addresses and their assigned domain names in the Domain Name System and returns the IP address of the requested site to your computer and your computer then connects to that IP address.
So why is this important for Internet safety? Simply because choosing a DNS that provides a little extra protection can go a long way. There are a few out there but, I prefer OpenDNS. OpenDNS performs all the actions of a standard DNS server, but, in addition to keeping an index of all the different sites and their IP addresses, it also maintains a black list of known, bad, sites. It then compares all requests from your computer to this black list and denies any requests to those sites. Visit https://opendns.com/ and follow their guide for setting up your computer, or even your entire home network to use their DNS servers and you will immediately be protected from a huge list of sites.
Install a good adblocker.
Ad blockers are extensions to your browser that scan the pages you visit for advertisements and even malicious or invasive scripts and block them. The one I like is called Privacy Badger. Privacy Badger is open source and free. This means that anyone can download and audit their code and they are not funded by selling access to your browsing data to allow only paid ads as some other adblockers might do. It can be fairly aggressive but, if a site doesn’t work the way it should, you can simply click on the extension and click “Report broken site” and that site will be temporarily added to a white list and reported to the development team so they can attempt to improve their extension to work better on that type of site.
The main benefit, however, is simply that ads and banners that may contain inappropriate content are simply gone from almost any site you visit and you don’t even notice it in most cases.
Another side bonus of using an extension like this is that pages are likely to load a little faster because Privacy Badger is blocking the extra advertising and tracking scripts and therefore only the main content of the page is loaded minus all the extras.
Install Spybot Search and Destroy.
Spybot Search and Destroy is a program that modifies your computer’s hosts file to prevent redirects to known bad sites through its Immunization feature. The hosts file is essentially a set of rules that tells your computer what to do if certain sites are requested.
This helps protect you against spyware but, has the added benefit of preventing your computer from being able to even visit certain types of sites either by accident or on purpose. The request for those sites is simply thrown away silently and ignored by your computer.
This is specific to Windows computers only so unfortunately, you won’t be able to use this on any other type of device.
Those are my three favorite ways to protect a system from malicious or inappropriate content on the Internet and as a byproduct, your system will be safer from potential viruses and other malware too.
Of course, all of this is great, but, it’s just a safety net. While your children are in your home they are protected by this safety net but, when they go to the library or a friend’s house they are no longer in the safety of this net. This is why we must have conversations with our kids about what the world promotes on the Internet or television and how to handle it appropriately. Being honest about the dangers and how they can be affected and what to do should anything come up. Your kid’s trust in your desire to protect them is what’s going to ultimately help keep them safe as they go out into the world wide web and make good decisions to protect their minds and hearts from being plundered by destructive content.
]]>Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good, For His faithfulness is everlasting. Give thanks to the God of gods, For His faithfulness is everlasting. Give thanks to the Lord of lords, For His faithfulness is everlasting. To Him who alone does great wonders, For His faithfulness is everlasting;
With another Thanksgiving having just passed by, I was blessed to be able to spend some meaningful time with my family as well as reflect on all that God has done in my life. As I did so, I began to see my life as one big string of continual blessings and I realized I have much to be thankful for that I regularly take for granted.
I am thankful that before I was born, God guided my mom away from an abortion clinic back home where she met and married my dad, who adopted me and raised me as his own son. I am thankful that He then called my parents to Himself and they turned their lives toward following Christ and raised me to love Him and His Word. I’m thankful that He saved me at a young age and has never failed to faithfully lead me back to Himself when I begin to drift. I thank God that he blessed me with a grandfather who intentionally spoke Biblical truth into his grandkids every time he had the opportunity and gave me an example of what it means to bury yourself in the Word and stand firm in your faith.
I am thankful that God gave me a love for dancing, which led me to sign up for a dance class where I met my bride-to-be. I’m thankful that He has used her strong and courageous spirit to hold me accountable and help mold me into the man and husband He’s called me to be. I’m thankful for the three wonderful children He’s blessed us with. I’m thankful for the fifteen-plus years that He’s given me with her and pray that He continues to be the most important part of our marriage into the future.
I’m thankful for the church family He’s brought into our lives and continues to use to edify and strengthen us. Through them, we are challenged to step out of our comfort zone and put others before ourselves while also digging deeper into the Word and our faith.
These are just a few of the ways God has blessed me and I continue to be amazed by His faithfulness through all the trials life brings. I know that no matter what He has in store for me, He is faithful and I can trust in the hope of His promises, even through the hardest struggles.
Don’t forget to reflect on all the amazing things God has done in your life. Having an attitude of thankfullness is the best way to combat anxiety and doubt. It’s hard to remember the hard things when you begin to look at all that God has done for you. That is Biblical hope, putting your trust in the One who has accomplished all of the things that have brought you to where you are now. Knowing this you can rest in the assurance that He’s not going to fail you as you strive to follow Him.
]]>And if one can overpower him who is alone, two can resist him. A cord of three strands is not quickly torn apart.
This verse is often used in marriage ceremonies, and it is fitting to describe how we should look at our relationship with our spouse. The analogy is one of a three-strand cord with God as the center strand. In most cord making the goal is to wrap two strands of one material around a central “high tenacity” core of a different material. The effect is that the cord as a whole is stronger as the energy is transferred through the core and dispersed in a way that helps keep the outer strands from breaking.
In his devotional, Daily Strength For Men, Chris Bolinger takes this idea a step further and challenges his readers to apply this to all relationships.
Want a stronger marriage? A stronger bond with a family member? A stronger friendship? Wrap your relationship around God. He’s as tenacious as they come.
From Daily Strength For Men by Chris Bolinger
In one sense, you could say that with Christ at the center of your relationship He can carry the heavy burdens or tensions of life and we can wrap our lives around Him, resting on His strength. I think this is a helpful way to view all relationships and is certainly how this three-strand analogy is used most of the time.
Another way I like to think of this analogy for myself individually is with myself as the core strand and the outer strands are what I choose to strengthen myself with. In cord making, the center strand is used to help provide tension and strength while the outer strands also help to support the center strand and to protect it so that it doesn’t become compromised. In the same way, what I choose to surround myself with will determine how at risk I am of being “compromised”. In my life, this manifests itself through my daily pursuits with my time. If my time is spent pursuing my own comfort or pleasure, then I am acting on my own and am a single strand that is easily broken.
If, I instead choose to devote my time to studying Scripture, praying, spending time with my wife, teaching my children, or investing in my friends in a meaningful way, I am surrounding myself with the blessings that God designed me for. I am receiving His strength through His Word and prayer. I am investing that strength into my relationships and what I’ve found when this is the case, is that this strength doesn’t leave me.
Like many men in our society today, I suffer from “burnout” pretty regularly. But, I’ve learned over the years that this burnout is a symptom of a larger problem in my life. I am no longer relying on God’s strength or walking in His will for my life. I am instead pursuing things that bring me happiness and neglecting those people or things that He has placed in my life to both care for and strengthen me.
What do you “wrap” around yourself in your life that may be causing unnecessary stress or burnout?
]]>A tranquil heart is life to the body, But jealousy is rottenness to the bones.
Our bodies are extremely complex. The Bible talks about psychosomatic illnesses often, especially in the Psalms regarding how our emotions affect our health.
Emotions such as envy, guilt, shame, and many others cause us to feel drained, fatigued, and generally ill-tempered.
Envy, jealousy, and covetousness are common friends and stir up controversy and hatred. In the story of David1, we saw how King Saul envied the people’s praise of David and it eventually drove him to want to kill David. It also caused him to struggle and we read about his “troubled spirit” many times throughout the story.
So, don’t let envy through the door. I must guard my heart with diligence from this subtle sin, because it will seek to take possession and divide me against my family and friends. It will also seek to make me discontented and unhappy with my situation or my possessions.
What things to I envy in secret?
Father, search my heart today. Help me to be free of envy. Amen.
One who is slow to anger has great understanding; But one who is quick-tempered exalts foolishness.
As a father, I am in the unique position of being known better than I usually realize. My kids seem to know how to act or what to say to elicit the greatest reaction from me. This can be frustrating at times.
My first tendency is always to point the finger and say “If they’d only behave I wouldn’t be so angry!”. But, if I really stop to reflect on that statement then I realize how hypocritical it is. God didn’t wait for me to “behave” to send His Son and provide a way for me to be reconciled to Him. So, why would I put that same expectation on my kids—or anyone else for that matter?
The Bible tells us that God is “slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love”1. I need to be an example of that slowness to anger and shower my kids with steadfast love rather than frustration and vexation.
In what ways do I let my frustrations get the better of me? How can I set a better example?
Father, please help me to respond by coming alongside my kids rather than react out of emotion. Amen.